only honest when it rains
by Nagiru
Summary: His moments of eternity by Rose Tyler's side will never be forgotten. Even if he is never honest about them.


**only honest when it rains**

**A/N:** Hello there again. It's my first time trying to write 10th (and 9th) Doctor, and I'm not too sure how it went. Besides that, for some reasons more or less unknown to even me, I wrote Doctor/Rose, despite not liking the couple; I did like the final result, though, so there's that.

**Some additional notes and tags:** character study, relationship study, canon compliant (including Doomsday and Journey's End), no _actual_ romance, canon Unhappy Ending, mentions of regenerations, mentions of Bad Wolf, mentions of the Metacrisis Doctor.

**Disclaimer: Doctor Who and the characters (and the song from where I took the title) do not belong to me, but to their respective owners.**

* * *

_I'm only honest when it rains,_

_If I time it right, the thunder breaks_

_When I open up my mouth_

_I want to tell you but I don't know how._

— "_Neptune", Sleeping At Last_

**.**

She was bright and cheerful, and just what he wanted — just what he feared — after… _everything_. After… Gallifrey. The War.

She was smart, and innocent, and so _sweet_, and she was everything he was not. She was young and promising and everything he was running from, and from the first time he saw her, he knew. He knew he shouldn't touch her. Knew he'd fail that. Knew he should let her go. Knew he'd never manage that.

Knew he'd love her, just as he once did every single friend he took with him, and knew he would lose her.

_(Knew it would break him to pieces. Knew he would walk away, either way, because he always had.)_

The moment he looked at her, he made his choice, and he broke it. He took her hand, despite the words inside telling him he would be better letting her go, and whispered, _"Run."_

He regretted every single moment of it; he enjoyed every single second with her. _Rose_. Bright, innocent, 19-year-old Rose, with her golden locks and large smile and her _human conscience_. She was… she was so _young_, so _beautiful_, so…

So out of reach. So _mortal_.

He loved her. He loved her _so much_ it hurt.

Loved her in the way she'd laugh at him, laugh _with _him. The way she'd smile at him and ignore every dark thing in his eyes, every dark thing in his hearts, even when she saw it firsthand — even when there were screams in the background, and an enemy that just _won't die_, and choices he shouldn't have made, but he did anyway.

Loved her in the way she took his hand and never let go, the way she turned to him first _always_, even when she had her… _boyfriend_ with them.

He loved her, because she was Rose, and she wasn't even _remotely_ like The Doctor.

But then, then his mistakes came back to haunt him. His _arrogance_ haunting him, _hunting_ him, and everyone else paid for it, like always. Like always, _he_ walked away, unscathed, but everyone else… everyone he cared for…

_(so many faces, so many names, it isn't even possible to remember them all)_

Well. No. Not _unscathed_, and not everyone. Just… almost. Just, _for one small moment_…

But, it's Rose. It's _Rose_, who smiles like the sun, and burns _bright_ (so, so, _so_ bright, full of potential and killing her for it, so much power contained in a vessel that should never even look at it. She never looked as beautiful as in that moment, and he wanted to keep her just like that, even knowing it would kill her), and he refused to bow down, this time.

(bow down to fate. Bow down to his _desires_)

So, when everything was lost, and he was the only one to walk away — he died. He took her, and took everything that made her this beautiful, _beautiful_ thing… and took it within. Burning in her stead. Dying for her.

He had always known he'd love her. He'd always known he _loved_ her. But he had never known quite _how much_ until then.

And she loved him, too, he knew it. It was so easy to see, after all. The way she would grin just _for him_, the way she had always ignored _Ricky_ and his lame jokes. The way she had let go of Jack with barely a promise of his. The way she was just so, _so_ lost already. She loved him, and it would be so _easy_…

But she took his hand and promised him forever, and. And that sickened him, because for one moment — one fleeting, heartsbreaking moment, he dared _hope_. For one moment, he dared _wish _for it.

Then, he remembered, and it crashed around him like cold water.

Of course. Forever.

She's just mortal, after all.

So he backed away; he kept smiling at her, kept loving her — but he did it from a distance. He took her places, he gave her everything she could ever wish for, made her feel… for those short days that were just a moment of an infinity… what it meant, to be _happy_. To be _free_.

Then, reality struck them, and he accepted it, this time, because he had known all the while that this was coming. He had always known. Because she was gorgeous and bright and _alive_, but she reminded him, for one second, of fire and screams and everything he was running from. Everything he could never have.

And that would never do.

So, when faced with a ghost of her in a terribly named bay an entire universe away, with only the remains of her cries in his ears, he spoke not the truth, but what he had always known he'd have to tell her.

"_Rose…" _

**_I love you_**

"Goodbye."

**x**

He saw her again, and he died for her. Again. He regenerated for her _twice_, and she's just… just _human_. And he should not be doing this. Should not be daring to _hope_…

_(he felt his time running thin and dared dream, anyway. Of a life where he could live with someone. Someone he loved. Till the end.)_

But she smiled at him, just like always, so beautiful, so brilliant, and he just couldn't _not_. It ended badly, of course. It involved him, after all.

She managed to find a way back to his universe just to save it (just to _see him_), but he couldn't… couldn't _allow it_.

(the hope, blooming uninvited in his hearts)

Couldn't allow _her_. Couldn't allow himself. He has seen what he'd do for her, and it was… not a good thing.

So, he shut her off. Oh, he did it with a smile, with pretty words, with a gentle brush, but he knew the truth. He knew himself.

Knew the stranger looking at him with his face and a single heartbeat in his chest. Knew the pain drumming heavily, twice as fast, in his own hearts.

Knew, and, just this once, heeded it enough to tell her _no_.

He sent her off, once again — sent her _back_ — and told himself he was doing her a kindness.

He was giving her exactly what she wanted, after all. Giving her exactly what he would never be able to have. Giving her peace and love and a person to spend her life with.

It still felt like a bloody goodbye.

(it still felt like pushing a button and knowing no one would survive)


End file.
